I’ve just seen the movie ‘The Hobbit’ and I think Peter Jackson sent the Director’s cut reel to the cinema chains by mistake. But more importantly: Gandalf and his fucking eagles ruin everything. Here is a poem about that:
Gandalf doesn’t know how
To fill out his tax returns.
The deadline is upon him
All seems lost.
Gandalf sighs. ‘fuck it,’
He says, ‘BRING ON THE EAGLES//
—-
Gandalf was outbid
At the last minute on Ebay
Fuck it, he says, there is
No God. BRING ON THE EAGLES
—-
GANDALF IS SAT
ON THE PEAK
OF A MIGHTY MOUNTAIN
Gandalf is in a nursery school in Crouch End
His is in a sandbox. He is six. Break time is over
he will not go to back in. Ms Gwenivere’s
Threatening a firm smacking. BAD MOVE.
BRING ON THE EAGLES//
—-
GANDALF has been on hold for
Possibly an hour ( ten minutes)
Gandalf isn’t sure who he hates more:
O2 customer service or Adele
He knows he needs his phone, but right now
He is more certain than ever no one
ever really needs
Adele, really though.
BRING ON THE EAGLES.
—-
Gandalf farted in the cinema
AlthoughiIt was loud, no one reacts
However, Gandalf is self conscious
There can be no witnesses
BRING ON THE EAGLES.
—-
Gandalf got home after a cracking night out
Front door//oh shit//don lost my keys.
Maybe He could knock and
maybe his Flatmate Saruman
Could open for him. Or maybe he could smash
The door down. Gandalf does not think this
Through. BRING ON THE EAGLES.
—-
Gandalf is amongst the mob at HMV
‘it’s a ten pound voucher’ he says
‘Season one of the wire’ he pleads
‘nothing we can do’ the staff responds
‘BOLLOCKS’ CRIED GANDALF. YOU’LL BE SORRY
YOU’LL ALL BE SO VERY SORRY.
He tries to laugh like an eagle would
But eagles don’t laugh
—-
Gandalf just got on the phone to Cameron.
Cameron won’t budge on the NHS. Next morning
Cameron wakes up and finds a dead butterfly
On Samantha’s head.
—-
Gandalf is playing chess with Gollum
Gollum is winning.
Gandalf cant have that spreading round.
BRING ON THE EAGLES
—-
YO MY NAME IS GANDALF
GOT MY ROBE AND MY STAFF AND MY SANDALS
AND I ROAM WITH THE BEARS AND THE PANDAS
SLAP YOU IN THE FACE WITH YOUR MOM’S TAMPON
Gandalf is losing his first rap battle. Final round
And he’s run out of rhymes. Fuck it fuck it BRING ON THE EAGLES
—-
Gandalf is in bed with Legolas
They’ve been going steady for a while
Legolas wants Gandalf to commit.
Gandalf wants to watch take me out.
Gandalf sighs, he so did love having Legolas
alive. BRING ON THE EAGLES.
—-
Today’s a good day. Sun is shining
Dogs are quiet. Gandalf is staring out
A window
Into mare street, from a flat sat above
A Korean nail shop. Smoking his pipe
Reminiscing over past adventures
He thought, yeah, why not. Go on then
BRING ON THE FUCKING EAGLES
—-
The Fellowship of the Ring politely ask if they can
Borrow Gandalf’s eagles for a quick trip to
Mordor.
Gandalf refuses.
lousworldofstuff reblogged this from josdidit
ezrafound reblogged this from josdidit
deadamericanwriters reblogged this from josdidit
josdidit posted this